We had one of those, “dig out the humidifier” nights with a hacking and spewing toddler in between us in bed.  He had a particularly bad time around 5 am and after I got him settled I could not go back to sleep.  I sat up thinking about how the leap from zero to one child was a no brainer.  I knew I wanted children since I was in my late 20s and one day I woke up and knew I was ready.  The leap from one child to two though is not as instinctual.  You know what’s ahead of you and it’s hard to have that romantic view of motherhood that you once did.  It must be like being a little gun shy when contemplating getting married again after a divorce. You know the good and the bad and you’re not so sure you want to jump in again, even though most people end up doing it anyway.  I know I will end up having more children, but I don’t feel like running into it with wild abandon.  I would like the benefit of choosing the right time for Jude, my husband, and myself.  The only times I feel a little sad about waiting is when I see and hear about all of my pregnant friends, but I have to get it through my thick skull that that is only a romantic vision.  A real live baby (god willing) is inside that beautiful round belly and is going to want everything from you in a matter of weeks.  It’s no joke.  I fear what will become of me with two kids.  It’s taken almost one and a half years to get to a place where I feel more like myself again after having Jude – where I can focus on something other than his immediate needs – where the things that used to interest me seem desirable again.  I’m not ready to give it all up again.  Not yet, at least.  I want to feel that burning desire for more kids.  Only then will it feel like the right time.

Started my new supplement regimen this evening after acupuncture.

Exercise – last 15 minutes of the Crunch: Burn and Firm Pilates DVD and then arm work with 3 lb. hand weights, ab work, and push ups.

Mind/Body – Got in a quick, hot and steamy Epsom salt bath in between working out and lunch.  Got a nice, hour long chill session during acupuncture.

Diet – 115 lbs (-2 lbs)

Breakfast – green/earl gray/spearmint tea with milk, one fried egg, one chicken breakfast sausage, 1/4 cup oatmeal with coconut oil, cinnamon, and milk, and one scoop of cottage cheese.

Lunch – Huge salad with grilled chicken, fruit, veggies, cheese, and avocado.  Multi-grain crackers.  Green/spearmint iced tea

Dinner – stewed chicken in coconut milk with broccoli, served beside lentil pilaf

Snacks – 1/2 grapefruit, cashews, cottage cheese, 1/4 Bumble Bar