Time is healing.  That much I know.  It’s been about 3 1/2 years now since we lost our first miracle baby at 20 weeks.  The first year was excruciating.  For most of the second year, I was pregnant again and feeling cautiously optimistic, but still fearing the worst.  The third year I was finally a mama to a living child, and the world felt right again.  The loss does not occupy my every though like it once did, but I do still think about her.  A lot.  When I feel too far away from her, strange little things happen to remind me that she existed, that she has a soul, and like all living things, she is never truly gone.

Yesterday, as the sun started to set, sadly early these days, I was watching Nick Jr. with Jude and a little cartoon came on that accompanied Bob Marly’s 3 Little Birds.  We started swaying and dancing to the music as we sat together on the sofa and I saw a bright little reflection flickering on Jude’s face.  As I looked more closely, I could see that it was my first baby’s initials, reflecting off the pendant that I had made to commemorate her life.  I wear this necklace every day and I’ve seen this happen a few times before, but today, as the sun flooded through the windows, the refection was on my son’s beautiful baby face while the song played, “don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing, gonna be all right”.  These are the memories I want to have about my first child.  It’s taken over three years to make a happy memory about her and I cherish it more than anyone could ever know.

Why am I writing this?  It’s awfully personal for this forum, but I have recently seen where people are coming to my blog from in my refer stats and I know there are a lot of you with PCOS that are dealing with miscarriage and fetal death.  You see countless articles online telling about how PCOS causes poor egg quality, but what that really translates to is A LOT of miscarriage and fetal abnormality, resulting in death.  But what that really, truly means is that there are many, many women with PCOS who are walking around broken-hearted – and it’s a particularly deep and lasting kind of heartbreak because of the preceding infertility struggle.  Losing a baby that you sacrificed everything to conceive is the worst kind of injustice.

I wrote my story so Cysters may know that the worst of the pain does heal, but you will never forget about the child you lost.  This is what I have learned about loosing a child…they are always with you in spirit..that bond is never, never broken.

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