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Life can surprise you sometimes.  The day after I wrote and posted the previous conclusion I got a positive home pregnancy test!  I had my blood test today and everything looks good.  Can I owe any of this wonderful news to this experiment?  There is no way to know for sure, but I would like to think so.  If you remember my story, I did two Femara cycles last summer after a few months of Metformin and I did not conceive on either one.  Flash forward 5-6 months and I am pregnant with only one round of Femara and no Metformin.  Perhaps I just needed a few more months for my body to recover from breast feeding.  There’s no telling.

So, the real conclusion to this experiment is ambiguous, but who the hell cares?  I am pregnant with minimal intervention and I did not have to take horrid Metformin to get this way.  I can’t see it any other way but a total and complete success!

I’ve been dreading writing an update because I don’t want to be negative and discouraging for other women trying to help their PCOS naturally…but I am so discouraged that I just need to type this to clear my thoughts on the topic.  I guess I thought that if I worked hard enough, wanted it enough, swallowed enough herbs and supplements, had enough needles poked in me, was disciplined enough to adhere to every bit of PCOS health advice I’ve ever come across, that I could overcome PCOS symptoms in my life, regain my menstrual cycle, and conceive naturally.  I so badly wanted to avoid the emotional turmoil that fertility treatments always put me in – the feeling of isolation, the anger/pain/jealousy of the blessedly fertile.  Oh GOD, have I been there before and I was willing to do anything not to have to go back.  I wanted a glimpse of what I deem as a “normal” shot at conceiving.  I did everything I knew to do for the better part of six full months, so I can now say that it’s not diet and exercise that’s controlling my PCOS symptoms for the most part – and there is no magic fix for me with the supplements I’ve tried. The most tangible result seems to have been body fat reduction and the addition of muscle.  I know now that I can quickly gain a lot of muscle and I don’t think this particular fat to muscle ratio is very fertile for me.  With this past Femara cycle, I’ve experienced some suppressed/low estrogen side effects for the first time ever.    Women need a certain amount of fat to produce estrogen and I hypothesize that I may have dipped a little bit on the low side for my particular body.  I’d be willing to push hard and maintain the rigidity of this experiment for eternity if I had gotten the results I was after, but I just don’t have it in me anymore.  I mean, my regular lifestyle was already a healthy one and so I am going back to it.  I honestly think that the best thing may to just not think about PCOS for a while, stop researching about it, stop trying to constantly fix myself. It’s all a form of obsession and if I were to reduce an overlying theme to my life, I would say that this high strung, perfectionist crap that I can’t ever seem to change is the progenitor of any and all of my health struggles.   This is going to be yet another big change for me because I’ve been at this PCOS fight, in some form of another, for 8 years now.  Damn, I need a new hobby – something not focused on disease or dysfunction and how to escape it.  I feel a bit lost at the moment without a cause to struggle and wage war against.  I need to just flippin’ live my life, put one foot in front of another, get things done, raise my son, figure out what makes me feel inspired and happy again when I’m not worrying about my health.  I’m not giving up my dream of getting pregnant, but I’m going to leave this in the hands of my doctors and conventional medicine for a while.  It may sound like I’m giving up, but it really feels more like I am surrendering myself to whatever life has in store for me.  This has always been an impossibly difficult concept for me to accept, always trying to wrangle the progression of my life through sheer will and a very strong arm.  I’m sure I will try for a while to make lightening up my next big project – old habits die hard.  My sweet and loving husband took me out for a walk and shopping today, trying to help lift my funk a little.  We walked into a book store and despite pretending to be interested in the other sections, I was sucked in, as if by gravitational pull, to the health and self improvement section.  This is not going to be easy for me, but it’s what is best for me right now.  Since when was just simply living life such a difficult and elusive desire? I may feel defeated and a bit broken, but to tell you the truth, broken is exactly what I need to be right now…broken, more flexible, less rigid, inactive for a while.  I’m still not absolutely sure what the outcome will be with this fertility cycle, so I will update if anything exciting happens, but for now I’m signing off.  I wish you all every success in your journey.